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Life's a Bowl of Candy
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Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in freedomduck's LiveJournal:

Sunday, August 9th, 2009
8:22 pm
A New Enemy
I have identified a new enemy...

There are a few enemies to new fathers (and mothers) that I've been able to identify - we escape the clutches of creditors, who are like slow moving zombies, so they're not the enemies I'm talking about.

Call me paranoid... enemies are all around. These new enemies are the worst because it's easy to understand their feelings - easy to identify with them, and sometimes their sardonic anecdotes and comments about their kids are even funny. They're the trapped fathers. They're all around, and they have nothing nice to say. Maybe pregnancy didn't happen exactly when they wanted it to and they didn't get the kids they wanted. Maybe their job feels like a trap and their life isn't going well... trapped trapped trapped.

I cannot let myself join these guys. I was very skillful at dodging that pregnancy bullet for many adult years, and maybe I even talked like one of these anti-kid guys. Then, just like hitting a switch, I decided that it was time to have a baby and it happened. Sometimes couples work for years to have a child. There is something very angelic about such an endeavor and I admire them. We lucked out and got pregnant almost immediately.  

I feel sorry for the trapped fathers, these guys who have a nice house and nice children, but are obviously not happy with things. Speaking as a person who is rarely satisfied, I understand. But speaking as someone who is quite happy about being an expectant father, don't bother talking to me about fatherhood.
Monday, August 3rd, 2009
7:38 am
I suppose it's time to write more. Some time has passed and this journal ought to progress if it is going to remain a journal.

I have been thinking a little bit about the permanence of relationships. With my marriage, I have always told my wife that the door was always open. In my way of thinking, having a long personal history of jealousy, this was what progress meant - and the door was in fact always open. My wife never left, and she never shared my personal views on making progress against jealousy. She is a very jealous person, and she cherishes her jealousy. Only once, and very recently, she questioned one of her jealous outbursts. In her way of thinking, the others were all justified. If I'm honest, some of the other ones really were justified.

today I'm thinking about my child and myself as a father. I am writing a short story at the moment, and in the story, written from a child's perspective, there is a table filled with men who smoke and drink and talk all day. I realized that I actually have a fear of approaching people when they are sitting at tables. The act of finding a chair and entering the conversation feels like too much for me sometimes. I have some theories about why this is, and some of these ideas are important in the story.

My baby will always be welcome at the table.
Saturday, August 1st, 2009
8:47 pm
Life Changes
One thing that I really need to do is to make a record of this, and it is not something that is easy to describe.

For one, I'm getting fatter and I hardly care. I care a little bit... in fact, I'm just over the line into the "overweight" category, even though I run regularly.
The reason for this is probably that my wife is pregnant. Suddenly, food looks very good and I'm sucking back high-fructose sodas like mad. Last night I was even thinking of mixing goldfish crackers in with my beans. I stopped myself. Enough is enough. But really, I don't worry.

In other areas, I'm showing a lot more self-restraint than normal. My mood has been one of a constant state of bliss since finding out. I'm writing more regularly, I'm nicer to deal with, and it's been ages since I last stole a glimpse of another woman's jubblies.

Two areas of failure are in my work and study. It has become more difficult to prepare for my tutoring sessions, and I really can't be bothered to study Japanese. This next session is going to be a disaster unless I can get myself together. Also, the job hunt is not going well.

Nevermind. I'm fat, happy, and I have a baby on the way. My wife and I are bonding like never before. Like me, her mood has been wonderful. However, she is a little bit guarded when it comes to this new, relaxed version of herself. She feels as though she has gone too slack. Also like me, she is having a hard time studying.

Chemical or not, this is a wonderful opportunity to cultivate some of this into making us better people.

The main reason for wanting to document this current state is because this is all out of character for me. Marriage and children is not something I naturally wanted or wished for. Our marriage was very romantic and fast, but it has lasted because of my wife's hard work. Also, it was my wife who wanted to have a child. For me, the announcement of a new baby is heavy. Babies change people. To be honest, my immediate impression is that it makes people dull, that it deadens part of their intellect and makes them more square. I have always thought that marriage and parenthood had a tangible negative effect on creativity for some, but also that it was not unavoidable (but probable).

As you can clearly see at this point, my feelings about marriage and children were never completely positive. On the subject of babies, I have always felt that they were simply too much hassle.

So, why was I crying happy tears when I saw the little monkey costume in Babies R Us yesterday? This is an amazing change in me, and I'm very satisfied with it and everything that is going on. I may want this even more than my wife.

Also, just for the record, we already have names. We have already made a few of those key decisions to quell the thousands of voices that cause dissonance.

Current Mood: ecstatic
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