One thing that I really need to do is to make a record of this, and it is not something that is easy to describe.
For one, I'm getting fatter and I hardly care. I care a little bit... in fact, I'm just over the line into the "overweight" category, even though I run regularly.
The reason for this is probably that my wife is pregnant. Suddenly, food looks very good and I'm sucking back high-fructose sodas like mad. Last night I was even thinking of mixing goldfish crackers in with my beans. I stopped myself. Enough is enough. But really, I don't worry.
In other areas, I'm showing a lot more self-restraint than normal. My mood has been one of a constant state of bliss since finding out. I'm writing more regularly, I'm nicer to deal with, and it's been ages since I last stole a glimpse of another woman's jubblies.
Two areas of failure are in my work and study. It has become more difficult to prepare for my tutoring sessions, and I really can't be bothered to study Japanese. This next session is going to be a disaster unless I can get myself together. Also, the job hunt is not going well.
Nevermind. I'm fat, happy, and I have a baby on the way. My wife and I are bonding like never before. Like me, her mood has been wonderful. However, she is a little bit guarded when it comes to this new, relaxed version of herself. She feels as though she has gone too slack. Also like me, she is having a hard time studying.
Chemical or not, this is a wonderful opportunity to cultivate some of this into making us better people.
The main reason for wanting to document this current state is because this is all out of character for me. Marriage and children is not something I naturally wanted or wished for. Our marriage was very romantic and fast, but it has lasted because of my wife's hard work. Also, it was my wife who wanted to have a child. For me, the announcement of a new baby is heavy. Babies change people. To be honest, my immediate impression is that it makes people dull, that it deadens part of their intellect and makes them more square. I have always thought that marriage and parenthood had a tangible negative effect on creativity for some, but also that it was not unavoidable (but probable).
As you can clearly see at this point, my feelings about marriage and children were never completely positive. On the subject of babies, I have always felt that they were simply too much hassle.
So, why was I crying happy tears when I saw the little monkey costume in Babies R Us yesterday? This is an amazing change in me, and I'm very satisfied with it and everything that is going on. I may want this even more than my wife.
Also, just for the record, we already have names. We have already made a few of those key decisions to quell the thousands of voices that cause dissonance. Current Mood: ecstatic